


black, white, gray

by boxofnothing



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: AU, Adultery, Alternate Universe, Captain Swan - Freeform, Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Mentioned Non-Explicit Spoilers, Songfic, based off of First Burn, conflicted feelings, confused, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 12:07:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14520198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxofnothing/pseuds/boxofnothing
Summary: I love my husband. I do. But how do I continue when I know what he's done.Cheating is never black and white. It's so much more than that. It's all those feelings that have been made smeared around and around.





	black, white, gray

**Author's Note:**

> I DO NOT HATE CAPTAIN SWAN! I need that to be known. I am not a CS hater. It's actually one of my favorite ships out there. I genuinely think they are perfect for each other and have thought that since before they became canon. But I've always had strong feelings about cheating. Not necessarily the feelings you all may like but I've been listening to First Burn like nonstop since it was dropped and it really has just got me thinking. So for me, cheating isn't this black and white idea. There are so many reasons people cheat. You can't judge them for that, well you can but I don't recommend it. And then thee are the people that judge people that stay with their respected partner after they have cheated. How you feel is your choice. If your relationship can survive that then I condone you. It is extremely hard to forgive someone after they have done something like cheating. Especially after you created these strong feelings for someone. Now if you have anything to say regarding a personal experience or want to say I'm wrong put it in the comments. I have yet to experience being cheated on and hope I never do but I like if I was and this was to happen to me this is how I would feel.
> 
> M

I love my husband. I do. I will never not love him. There’s something about his lilted smile, his kind heart, his loving eyes, how he makes me feel. I will always love him and I believe he will always love me. Yet how could he have done this?

How could he have done this? Something so horrible. Something that makes me want to just melt away. I don’t even know how to feel. Am I supposed to feel angry? Upset? Distraught? My husband slept with another woman, how am I supposed to feel? Do I just forget that he forgot our wedding vows long enough to have sex with a woman that wasn’t me?

I am his wife.

I love him. I love him despite all of his flaws. I don’t love him because he’s my true love. 

I love him because he makes me smile in the morning.

I love him because he knows how I take my coffee in the morning, which actually isn’t coffee.

I love him because he knows that exact spot on my foot to rub when I come home and collapse on the couch.

I love him because he has never missed a single one of our children’s anything.

I love him because he has never judged me once for my past. He understands we all have a past and that we all have to live with that.

I love him because he hasn’t let his past destroy him.

I love him because he loves Henry regardless that he’s not his father.

I love him for so many reasons. So many reasons. 

How can I just forget the million reasons I love him for one reason to hate him?

He made a mistake, a horrible mistake, the kind of mistake that ruins lives and marriages and loves, but I don’t know I can just let him go. He’s my true love, we are supposed to be able to get through anything. We survived death together. He died and we still made it through. I killed him. And we still made it through.

We’ve survived so much yet I feel like I can’t get over this. I can’t get over the fact that he shared himself with another woman.

And he didn’t even have that strength to tell me himself. I had to hear it from his best friend, my father, that he had been seen returning to his hotel room with another woman.

I remember not believing him yet I came home to him with his head in his hand saying we needed to talk.

I didn’t know how to feel then and I still don’t but all I remember is leaving the second he told me and just drove until I literally couldn’t drive any further. I spent three days in Florida. Three days staring out at the ocean wondering what I had done to cause him to do something like that. Was it an argument we had? Was it because I didn’t want anymore kids and he did? Was I just not enough anymore?

I didn’t want what we had to go to shit. I didn’t want it to all disappear and be forgotten because of one decision.

We have children. They deserve both of their parents. They deserve that.

But can I get over this? Can I just erase this from his past and still sleep beside him? I don’t know.

So here I am. Standing outside my house feeling unwelcome because I know he’s in there. I know because I told him to be there. I told him we needed to talk or rather I needed to talk.

I start to walk up the steps and open the door and there he is, sitting on the couch. He stands and I say, “Killian, we need to talk.”


End file.
